I've been giving a lot of thought to my fears. There are reasons for this, which I don't really feel like spelling out, but circumstances have resulted in me admitting and analysing my biggest fear: exposure.
My life is designed to not be left exposed. It's not really been a conscious thing. But with exposure comes potential rejection and rather than face that, I clam up or put on a disguise.
Whether it is by using humour, intellect or apathy, I live my life in a self-made comfort zone that keeps people at arm's length. And the mere thought of coming out of that comfort zone literally causes me to panic. I came close recently, but that was quickly dropped and I'm choosing internal torment over external ridicule.
I don't want to be rejected, I don't want to be abandoned and I don't want to be "found out" (of what, who knows?) so instead I just fake it all the way through.
Just know, under it all, I'm terrified.
No comments:
Post a Comment