I'm not short on opinions, I just know when to keep them to myself

On a personal Facebook page, on my locked personal Twitter account, and in the company of trusted friends and family, I let rip on issues I feel like letting rip on. I'm not very politically correct, I'm not very polite and I hold views on family and relationships and other subjects that many wouldn't appreciate hearing.

But here's the thing...Outside of the above situations, I keep my mouth shut. I tailor how much I say to my audience. I'm not saying I lie about things, or keep quiet about things that I fundamentally believe to be wrong, but I do understand that some things are better left unsaid.

I don't feel the need to tell a group of mums about how I definitely do not want children, and how little I enjoy their photos/stories/anecdotes about their offspring. Because they love them, and that's what's important. Also, they may hate my incessant cat talk!!

But I will set straight anyone making assumptions and judgements about women who don't have children.

I won't tell someone I think their outfit looks shit, but I also won't say they look great. I will either keep silent, or focus on their haircut or something that isn't hideous and unflattering.

And if I feel that I cannot support a person's choices or beliefs then I will quietly step away. I don't feel the need to kick and scream and shout about it. If they get dramatic it will be dealt with.

I will always be respectful of another person's opinions, and if I disagree and feel the need to address their opinion, I will try and do so in a constructive way. But if we still are at odds then I respect that as long as it doesn't descend into an argument.

Knowing when to shut up can be just as important as knowing when to speak.

Introduction: The fundamentals of being a crazy cat lady (part 1)

This is where Atticus wants to lie. And I let him.

Becoming a card-carrying, flag-waving crazy cat lady involves more than just labelling yourself as one. There are certain criteria that must be met.

For instance, you have to be "crazy". This doesn't mean that you lick windows or talk to invisible people, but you have to be slightly unhinged. I talk to myself, have conversations with my cats, dance when there's no music, and am a general weirdo. I also have depression. This means that at times, when I get low, I behave in a not normal way. Ergo, crazy.

You need cats. Notice the "s" at the end of that word? One cat is not enough, two is better, but three or more definitely puts you in the realm of crazy cat lady. And you have to put them above everything else in your life. If one of your cats is comfy on the couch, but you want to sit down, you don't disturb them. They can have the seat, they were there first.

And third, you need to be a lady. Not a Lady, just a female. I'm sure men can be "crazy cat men," but it doesn't mean the same thing. When I say "crazy cat man", there isn't an image that instantly springs to my head. Say "crazy cat lady" and you get the head to toe: unkempt hair, fluffy cardi, a cat under each arm, and a pair of well-worn slippers. (I don't say this in a derogatory way, this is years of observation of women with cats.)

And there is a level of commitment that comes with being a crazy cat lady. You can't just pick and choose when to be crazy cat lady and when not. Partly because you can never truly rid yourself of cat fluff on your clothes or scratch marks on your hands. But mostly because you need a lot of time to perfect "the look".

50 Shades of Abuse

So the 50 Shades movie is released this week. Women around the world are getting wet in the knickers at the thought of actually seeing the badly-written sex brought to life on the big screen, and how Christian Grey's jeans actually sit on his hips.

I personally won't be seeing it. Much as I couldn't get past the second page of the book (the WORST published fiction I've ever read, and worse than a lot of the unpublished fan fiction in the Pit of Voles) I have read a lot of articles and blogs that take the trilogy apart chapter by chapter detailing not just the bad grammar, worse sex descriptions and passages that pretty much rip the source fiction (Twilight) off shot-for-shot. And the one thing I take away from it is this - what is described between Ana and Christian is abuse. Pure and simple.

Having sex with someone against their will is rape. There's no other word for it. Forcing them to do sex stuff they don't want to do is sexual assault.

Threatening to hit a woman, not because it's part of a sex game but because she has pissed you off, is domestic violence.

Imploring someone to stay with you, not see their friends etc etc because you don't know what you will do without them is emotional blackmail.

Monitoring emails/phones to see what your girlfriend is doing and who she is talking to is weird and stalkerish. I know the CIA does it, but that doesn't make it right.

Christian does all of those things on multiple occasions in the books.

But Ana's no better. She's a mean girl dressed up as a nice, normal, 'plain-Jane' type. She's shitty about any woman within a three mile radius, she has no sympathy for the mentally ill and she too emotionally blackmails her way to "true love".

I understand that not everyone sees the sinister side of 50 Shades. I hope those people don't ever get into a relationship with an abuser, because I don't see a happy ending in their future. However, how people don't recognise the above as wrong and not sexy astounds me. Maybe I just have my eyes open to that stuff. Or maybe I don't need to drop myself into a fantasy to get my rocks off. But if I did, it would be someone who loves me for who I am, not someone who tries to make me "better" (again, a big part of these books). Someone who doesn't command me to eat when I don't want to and threatens to smack my arse in the middle of a restaurant if I don't. Someone who doesn't go mad if I choose to go topless on the beach because other people can see.

So don't go and see it - stop giving money to EL James and her badly-written abuse-fest of a book series. Donate that money to a domestic abuse charity instead. You will feel better for doing it.