All by myself...

It sounds melodramatic, but I'm almost convinced that I will spend my life single. Seriously, I do not see being part of a couple in my future.

Yes, this is prompted by a recent rejection, but it's not reactionary. The rejection just forced me to address some things that I'd suppressed for a decade (thank you Depo, for lowering my sex drive to non-existent so that relationships weren't front and centre during those years). And the conclusion I have come to is that I'm not the person people want to be with.

Sure, I'm a great friend and I'm funny and and smart and interesting and helpful. I would also maybe rate myself a 5/10 when it comes to attractiveness. But I'm not who people want. And I don't know why.

Some would argue that the problem lies with them, not me. But if I hear similar things from more than one person, can it really be?

It could just be that my choice in partners is wrong. I might be picking people I know are unavailable (is that part of some fucked-up attempt at self-protection so I don't need to get into a relationship and REALLY open myself up?) or people who I know aren't suitable for a relationship.

Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong about me that I don't know about, some fatal flaw that makes me unlovable in that way.

I don't know what it is, chances are I will never find out (guys appear to find it almost impossible to be truly honest when they reject you, 'it's not you, it's me', 'I'm not in the right place just now' etc etc) but I just need to accept the fact that everything I was taught about love is a lie:

• There's not someone for everyone
• Sometimes frogs are just frogs, not princes
• People do die alone
• Your best friend will not be your soulmate
• Love doesn't come when you least expect it 
• Opening yourself to opportunities doesn't result in opportunities

Wow, what a downer of a blog post!! Still, I'm keeping it real.

Be careful who you take on...

This isn't a threat in any kind of way, despite what the subject line may hint at. I generally don't do threats. What I do is deal in facts. And the fact is, you never really know who you are dealing with.

This stands in any part of your life - work, family, friends, hobbies. You may think you know a person, you might have regular dealings with them, or they may share their deepest, darkest secrets with you. But the fact is, no-one really knows what a person is capable of when they are really pushed.

I admit, I have a temper. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's being Scottish, maybe because my dad has red hair and I inherited the "fiery temper" gene. I have buttons that, if pushed, will set me off. It's not a healthy thing, I'm not proud of it but it's a fact. The thing is, very few people have ever seen me truly angry.

I rant and rave and swear quite a lot, but that's more of a frustration release than anything. But get me angry, actually angry, and it's a whole other ball game. That is scorching the earth, no-one will find your body fodder. I just work extremely hard not to let that part of me out because I know it will result in consequences that I would be unable to take back.

I can't remember the last time I got in a proper argument with anyone. I can't remember the last time I shouted at someone in anger. I was probably about 21, so a while ago. The last time I was in a physical fight I was a teenager. So it was very long ago. Because I realised that while I want to behave like that, it really doesn't achieve much and should only be as a last resort. It still lies in me though, and could come out if properly provoked.

And that is my point. There are people out there who "come for me" or my loved ones (absolutely one of my buttons) and they don't realise what lies beneath the surface. And admittedly, I don't know about them either. If I were to go back at them, it could ignite their fires and then it could really go left and grow into a Death Star of anger.

And to those who want to come at me, yes, maybe this is a warning.

But in the words of a Real Housewife (the source of a lot of my wisdom):


via GIPHY

I'm not short on opinions, I just know when to keep them to myself

On a personal Facebook page, on my locked personal Twitter account, and in the company of trusted friends and family, I let rip on issues I feel like letting rip on. I'm not very politically correct, I'm not very polite and I hold views on family and relationships and other subjects that many wouldn't appreciate hearing.

But here's the thing...Outside of the above situations, I keep my mouth shut. I tailor how much I say to my audience. I'm not saying I lie about things, or keep quiet about things that I fundamentally believe to be wrong, but I do understand that some things are better left unsaid.

I don't feel the need to tell a group of mums about how I definitely do not want children, and how little I enjoy their photos/stories/anecdotes about their offspring. Because they love them, and that's what's important. Also, they may hate my incessant cat talk!!

But I will set straight anyone making assumptions and judgements about women who don't have children.

I won't tell someone I think their outfit looks shit, but I also won't say they look great. I will either keep silent, or focus on their haircut or something that isn't hideous and unflattering.

And if I feel that I cannot support a person's choices or beliefs then I will quietly step away. I don't feel the need to kick and scream and shout about it. If they get dramatic it will be dealt with.

I will always be respectful of another person's opinions, and if I disagree and feel the need to address their opinion, I will try and do so in a constructive way. But if we still are at odds then I respect that as long as it doesn't descend into an argument.

Knowing when to shut up can be just as important as knowing when to speak.