Why the "nice" rejection is bullshit

My stupid guy woes are continuing and it continues to force me to deal with emotions that I would rather not. But seeing as how my brain thinks it is in charge, I figured I would try and get my thoughts down in some kind of coherent form.

I was told by someone that they weren't "ready for a relationship" after I had expressed feelings for them. Weirdly, I hadn't asked for a relationship, I had just felt the need to tell them how I felt about them. Of course, deep down I had hoped that something would come from it, but it wasn't to be.

However, it got me thinking. Amid the rejection was a long-winded espousing of my better qualities (and even an admission that the object of my affections "obviously" fancied me a bit). The list sounded good. Even I was impressed by how he made me sound. But, it was still a rejection and I had to ask "if I'm such a good person, why doesn't he want to be with me?"

Because, my brain told me, if I were really that great he would. Because for someone really special, a person would up their game to be in a relationship with them. Right??

A harsh rejection would have almost been easier because at least then I could call the guy a douche and be done with it. (But not ghosting, a subject I will save for another day.) As it stands now, I'm apparently a great person, just not great enough to be with.

All by myself...

It sounds melodramatic, but I'm almost convinced that I will spend my life single. Seriously, I do not see being part of a couple in my future.

Yes, this is prompted by a recent rejection, but it's not reactionary. The rejection just forced me to address some things that I'd suppressed for a decade (thank you Depo, for lowering my sex drive to non-existent so that relationships weren't front and centre during those years). And the conclusion I have come to is that I'm not the person people want to be with.

Sure, I'm a great friend and I'm funny and and smart and interesting and helpful. I would also maybe rate myself a 5/10 when it comes to attractiveness. But I'm not who people want. And I don't know why.

Some would argue that the problem lies with them, not me. But if I hear similar things from more than one person, can it really be?

It could just be that my choice in partners is wrong. I might be picking people I know are unavailable (is that part of some fucked-up attempt at self-protection so I don't need to get into a relationship and REALLY open myself up?) or people who I know aren't suitable for a relationship.

Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong about me that I don't know about, some fatal flaw that makes me unlovable in that way.

I don't know what it is, chances are I will never find out (guys appear to find it almost impossible to be truly honest when they reject you, 'it's not you, it's me', 'I'm not in the right place just now' etc etc) but I just need to accept the fact that everything I was taught about love is a lie:

• There's not someone for everyone
• Sometimes frogs are just frogs, not princes
• People do die alone
• Your best friend will not be your soulmate
• Love doesn't come when you least expect it 
• Opening yourself to opportunities doesn't result in opportunities

Wow, what a downer of a blog post!! Still, I'm keeping it real.