All by myself...

It sounds melodramatic, but I'm almost convinced that I will spend my life single. Seriously, I do not see being part of a couple in my future.

Yes, this is prompted by a recent rejection, but it's not reactionary. The rejection just forced me to address some things that I'd suppressed for a decade (thank you Depo, for lowering my sex drive to non-existent so that relationships weren't front and centre during those years). And the conclusion I have come to is that I'm not the person people want to be with.

Sure, I'm a great friend and I'm funny and and smart and interesting and helpful. I would also maybe rate myself a 5/10 when it comes to attractiveness. But I'm not who people want. And I don't know why.

Some would argue that the problem lies with them, not me. But if I hear similar things from more than one person, can it really be?

It could just be that my choice in partners is wrong. I might be picking people I know are unavailable (is that part of some fucked-up attempt at self-protection so I don't need to get into a relationship and REALLY open myself up?) or people who I know aren't suitable for a relationship.

Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong about me that I don't know about, some fatal flaw that makes me unlovable in that way.

I don't know what it is, chances are I will never find out (guys appear to find it almost impossible to be truly honest when they reject you, 'it's not you, it's me', 'I'm not in the right place just now' etc etc) but I just need to accept the fact that everything I was taught about love is a lie:

• There's not someone for everyone
• Sometimes frogs are just frogs, not princes
• People do die alone
• Your best friend will not be your soulmate
• Love doesn't come when you least expect it 
• Opening yourself to opportunities doesn't result in opportunities

Wow, what a downer of a blog post!! Still, I'm keeping it real.

I wish I could be more ethical about animals

Not that I abuse animals or anything (are you kidding me??) but I have meat lover's guilt. I also have leather and fur wearer's guilt.

I could possibly become a vegetarian. I am aware enough of how to get the nutrition you need while removing bad things from your diet (see my adherence to the Paleo diet as proof). I do love bacon and lamb, but I think like most things it has become a habit. There are so many tasty meat substitutes and vegetarian recipes now - I think I could enjoy being a veggie.

The sole reason I would do this is because of the animals. Most of the time I try and ignore the fact that the bit of meat on my plate was once a living, breathing (possibly cute) animal who had no choice about whether or not it ended up on my plate. But as I get older and become more aware of the rights and wrongs of the world, this is a guilt that increases.

But then I think, "is that enough?" Am I really helping the animals unless I also give up wearing leather, suede and fur too? And then do I need to give up any and all products that have been animal tested? In the UK there is a ban on testing cosmetics on animals, but some products are shipped over from other countries and there aren't the same restrictions.

And do I need to go full vegan in order to stop contributing to the horrible mass production of dairy products etc?

If I am going to be ethical do I need to go the whole hog, or can I comfortably play a small part by reducing, but not entirely cutting out, the killing of animals to live my life?

When did being a mum make women untouchable?

I understand that being a mum must be a hardcore experience. Although I'm not one myself, I am a daughter of a woman who was a single mum. And I wasn't exactly an angel growing up, I gave her a ton of grief and worry over the years.

I state the above to clarify that I am not one of those people who think that mums "have it easy" or aren't as stressed or busy as working women. However....

What I have noticed is that you cannot question a woman once she becomes a mum. If she needs time off work then you can't argue because her children are more important than any reason a childless person may have to get time off. You can't question their dedication to their work, that their priorities may have shifted (which is natural, saying that isn't a criticism) or that they get special treatment.

The fact is that more allowances are made for parents than for any other part of the workforce. The same provisions aren't put in place for religious people, carers or just the ordinary worker. Not being a parent doesn't mean you don't have dependents. 

Last year I was in a situation where a colleague went on maternity leave. The manager advertised for maternity cover for a week before she left, and made no secret of how half-arsed he was doing it. So the rest of us had to take on parts of her role for the year she was off. We didn't get a choice, it was just the way it was.

It was during that year that I was signed off with depression. I now know that a wee bit of that was grief after losing Molee but the fact is I was overworked, not doing my job well (and that was really disheartening for a perfectionist like me) always tired, drinking a lot to try and not feel like shit and being a really crappy person. It was too much.

The fact is, I don't blame the woman for getting pregnant and taking the maternity leave she is perfectly entitled to take. I blame the management who let her go without a replacement and piling work on a management team already handling a hell of a lot. I raised my concerns about the work at the time, and had them brushed aside.

Where I work, there is no choice and when you inevitably hit breaking point, you are seen as the weak one, it's never the boss's fault.