In which we go deep

I've been giving a lot of thought to my fears. There are reasons for this, which I don't really feel like spelling out, but circumstances have resulted in me admitting and analysing my biggest fear: exposure.

My life is designed to not be left exposed. It's not really been a conscious thing. But with exposure comes potential rejection and rather than face that, I clam up or put on a disguise.

Whether it is by using humour, intellect or apathy, I live my life in a self-made comfort zone that keeps people at arm's length. And the mere thought of coming out of that comfort zone literally causes me to panic. I came close recently, but that was quickly dropped and I'm choosing internal torment over external ridicule.

I don't want to be rejected, I don't want to be abandoned and I don't want to be "found out" (of what, who knows?) so instead I just fake it all the way through.

Just know, under it all, I'm terrified.

Welcome to the new world, it looks familiar

So, the unlikely happened. 2016 turned out to be the year of the right-wing uprising (Brexit, Trump getting elected) - and I have been terrified since.

Perhaps it's not a likely fear, perhaps it's paranoia. But I can't help but be afraid. Afraid that war is going to happen, afraid that because my grandmother decided to have children with and marry a Muslim Pakistani (a relationship that was extremely short-lived) my mother, my brother and I will face problems. Because of something that is completely outwith our control.

I know my problems are not as big as those on the news - people detained at airports, Americans whose rights are being stripped off them on a daily basis, women who face Planned Parenthood defunding, LGBT+ people who will be targeted and persecuted by the Bigot in Chief and his cronies. But I am scared, for me, for them, for our future.

And the Hitler/Holocaust implications are clear and have been touted all over the place, but they are apt. We need to recognise that the pattern is emerging. It may not be the Jews this time, but it's the same thing over again. How many millions will die during this round?

I see good people trying to fight, but will it change anything? Are too many bad people in positions of power to really create a lasting, positive change? I'm truly asking, because I need some kind of reassurance.

Or is the only hope left an apocalypse that is quick so we don't suffer too long?

I never get the hang of this...

Again and again I say I am going to get better at updating this blog, then it never happens.

And now that the Blogger app no longer seems to work it's even less likely to happen.

So, what's been going on in the past few months, I hear you ask. Well...

• I am still vegetarian and enjoying trying new things. 
• I got sober. My drinking had become a crutch and something I was doing in a bad way that had negative impacts on myself and others. So I decided it had to stop. It's been less than a month and I would still run over your granny for a glass of wine but I'm persevering.
• I have decided to try Nanowrimo after a few years off. The hope is to use it as a kicking off point for my novel.
• I continue to work hard every day and wish that my pay matched that level of work. But it never will, so I try not to dwell too much.
• I got chosen to be part of the announcer crew for the Men's European Cup and I'm very much looking forward to it.
• I benched a mixed team and it gave me so much anxiety that it has confirmed I'm no longer able to do that.

Other than that, I need to get back to meditating and get into a routine for regular yoga practice.

Be careful who you take on...

This isn't a threat in any kind of way, despite what the subject line may hint at. I generally don't do threats. What I do is deal in facts. And the fact is, you never really know who you are dealing with.

This stands in any part of your life - work, family, friends, hobbies. You may think you know a person, you might have regular dealings with them, or they may share their deepest, darkest secrets with you. But the fact is, no-one really knows what a person is capable of when they are really pushed.

I admit, I have a temper. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's being Scottish, maybe because my dad has red hair and I inherited the "fiery temper" gene. I have buttons that, if pushed, will set me off. It's not a healthy thing, I'm not proud of it but it's a fact. The thing is, very few people have ever seen me truly angry.

I rant and rave and swear quite a lot, but that's more of a frustration release than anything. But get me angry, actually angry, and it's a whole other ball game. That is scorching the earth, no-one will find your body fodder. I just work extremely hard not to let that part of me out because I know it will result in consequences that I would be unable to take back.

I can't remember the last time I got in a proper argument with anyone. I can't remember the last time I shouted at someone in anger. I was probably about 21, so a while ago. The last time I was in a physical fight I was a teenager. So it was very long ago. Because I realised that while I want to behave like that, it really doesn't achieve much and should only be as a last resort. It still lies in me though, and could come out if properly provoked.

And that is my point. There are people out there who "come for me" or my loved ones (absolutely one of my buttons) and they don't realise what lies beneath the surface. And admittedly, I don't know about them either. If I were to go back at them, it could ignite their fires and then it could really go left and grow into a Death Star of anger.

And to those who want to come at me, yes, maybe this is a warning.

But in the words of a Real Housewife (the source of a lot of my wisdom):


via GIPHY

Turning over a new leaf (lots of them)

Vegetarianism is going well so far. I'm discovering the delights of Quorn, Linda McCartney and other meat-free products. It also turns out that Asda does some tasty veggie frozen roasts and cutlets.

Am I missing meat? Not so much, although sometimes the thought of a juicy burger is enticing. My skin is a bit crappy and my tummy has been a little bit out of whack but I'm hoping that's the remains of animals working their way out of my system and my body adjusting.

As well as going vegetarian, I am doing a lot of financial belt-tightening. This means I'm cutting down on non-essential groceries like booze, fizzy juice and takeaways. Hopefully this makes me overall healthier.

I even went on a two mile walk this morning!! What the hell is going on?

Part of the reason for the walk was to try and work through an idea I have for a potential TV show. I have a very basic kernel but I need to get the premises and the characters fleshed out. First new idea I've had for a while, let's see how it goes.

In which I make a change

I posted before about my guilt over eating meat. So I've made the decision to be vegetarian.

I'm doing all my research and pinning a lot of recipes on Pinterest. Pay day is Friday so I will stock up then and in the meantime use up the last of the meat in the house and lower my use of it.

Habits easily made are just as easily broken if you put your mind to it.

The cats, however, will remain carnivorous. I once knew a woman who refused to feed her cats meat. She was a fucking weirdo.

We are on a break

And by "we", I mean me and roller derby. I still love the sport it I needed to take some time off. I'm no longer a member of a league, I stopped my UKRDA role at the end of January. I'm still podcasting and doing the odd bit of announcing but other than that, nothing.

And so far....its been amazing.

My time is my own (outside of work), my phone is very quiet and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Not because of other people, but because of me. I want to help out so I load myself with jobs and responsibilities then I am snowed under. I need to not have that for a while.

This isn't me done with derby, but for now we are on a break.

So now I can fully devote my time to crazy cat lady-dom!!