Why the "nice" rejection is bullshit

My stupid guy woes are continuing and it continues to force me to deal with emotions that I would rather not. But seeing as how my brain thinks it is in charge, I figured I would try and get my thoughts down in some kind of coherent form.

I was told by someone that they weren't "ready for a relationship" after I had expressed feelings for them. Weirdly, I hadn't asked for a relationship, I had just felt the need to tell them how I felt about them. Of course, deep down I had hoped that something would come from it, but it wasn't to be.

However, it got me thinking. Amid the rejection was a long-winded espousing of my better qualities (and even an admission that the object of my affections "obviously" fancied me a bit). The list sounded good. Even I was impressed by how he made me sound. But, it was still a rejection and I had to ask "if I'm such a good person, why doesn't he want to be with me?"

Because, my brain told me, if I were really that great he would. Because for someone really special, a person would up their game to be in a relationship with them. Right??

A harsh rejection would have almost been easier because at least then I could call the guy a douche and be done with it. (But not ghosting, a subject I will save for another day.) As it stands now, I'm apparently a great person, just not great enough to be with.

All by myself...

It sounds melodramatic, but I'm almost convinced that I will spend my life single. Seriously, I do not see being part of a couple in my future.

Yes, this is prompted by a recent rejection, but it's not reactionary. The rejection just forced me to address some things that I'd suppressed for a decade (thank you Depo, for lowering my sex drive to non-existent so that relationships weren't front and centre during those years). And the conclusion I have come to is that I'm not the person people want to be with.

Sure, I'm a great friend and I'm funny and and smart and interesting and helpful. I would also maybe rate myself a 5/10 when it comes to attractiveness. But I'm not who people want. And I don't know why.

Some would argue that the problem lies with them, not me. But if I hear similar things from more than one person, can it really be?

It could just be that my choice in partners is wrong. I might be picking people I know are unavailable (is that part of some fucked-up attempt at self-protection so I don't need to get into a relationship and REALLY open myself up?) or people who I know aren't suitable for a relationship.

Or it could be that there is something fundamentally wrong about me that I don't know about, some fatal flaw that makes me unlovable in that way.

I don't know what it is, chances are I will never find out (guys appear to find it almost impossible to be truly honest when they reject you, 'it's not you, it's me', 'I'm not in the right place just now' etc etc) but I just need to accept the fact that everything I was taught about love is a lie:

• There's not someone for everyone
• Sometimes frogs are just frogs, not princes
• People do die alone
• Your best friend will not be your soulmate
• Love doesn't come when you least expect it 
• Opening yourself to opportunities doesn't result in opportunities

Wow, what a downer of a blog post!! Still, I'm keeping it real.

In which we go deep

I've been giving a lot of thought to my fears. There are reasons for this, which I don't really feel like spelling out, but circumstances have resulted in me admitting and analysing my biggest fear: exposure.

My life is designed to not be left exposed. It's not really been a conscious thing. But with exposure comes potential rejection and rather than face that, I clam up or put on a disguise.

Whether it is by using humour, intellect or apathy, I live my life in a self-made comfort zone that keeps people at arm's length. And the mere thought of coming out of that comfort zone literally causes me to panic. I came close recently, but that was quickly dropped and I'm choosing internal torment over external ridicule.

I don't want to be rejected, I don't want to be abandoned and I don't want to be "found out" (of what, who knows?) so instead I just fake it all the way through.

Just know, under it all, I'm terrified.

Welcome to the new world, it looks familiar

So, the unlikely happened. 2016 turned out to be the year of the right-wing uprising (Brexit, Trump getting elected) - and I have been terrified since.

Perhaps it's not a likely fear, perhaps it's paranoia. But I can't help but be afraid. Afraid that war is going to happen, afraid that because my grandmother decided to have children with and marry a Muslim Pakistani (a relationship that was extremely short-lived) my mother, my brother and I will face problems. Because of something that is completely outwith our control.

I know my problems are not as big as those on the news - people detained at airports, Americans whose rights are being stripped off them on a daily basis, women who face Planned Parenthood defunding, LGBT+ people who will be targeted and persecuted by the Bigot in Chief and his cronies. But I am scared, for me, for them, for our future.

And the Hitler/Holocaust implications are clear and have been touted all over the place, but they are apt. We need to recognise that the pattern is emerging. It may not be the Jews this time, but it's the same thing over again. How many millions will die during this round?

I see good people trying to fight, but will it change anything? Are too many bad people in positions of power to really create a lasting, positive change? I'm truly asking, because I need some kind of reassurance.

Or is the only hope left an apocalypse that is quick so we don't suffer too long?

I never get the hang of this...

Again and again I say I am going to get better at updating this blog, then it never happens.

And now that the Blogger app no longer seems to work it's even less likely to happen.

So, what's been going on in the past few months, I hear you ask. Well...

• I am still vegetarian and enjoying trying new things. 
• I got sober. My drinking had become a crutch and something I was doing in a bad way that had negative impacts on myself and others. So I decided it had to stop. It's been less than a month and I would still run over your granny for a glass of wine but I'm persevering.
• I have decided to try Nanowrimo after a few years off. The hope is to use it as a kicking off point for my novel.
• I continue to work hard every day and wish that my pay matched that level of work. But it never will, so I try not to dwell too much.
• I got chosen to be part of the announcer crew for the Men's European Cup and I'm very much looking forward to it.
• I benched a mixed team and it gave me so much anxiety that it has confirmed I'm no longer able to do that.

Other than that, I need to get back to meditating and get into a routine for regular yoga practice.

Be careful who you take on...

This isn't a threat in any kind of way, despite what the subject line may hint at. I generally don't do threats. What I do is deal in facts. And the fact is, you never really know who you are dealing with.

This stands in any part of your life - work, family, friends, hobbies. You may think you know a person, you might have regular dealings with them, or they may share their deepest, darkest secrets with you. But the fact is, no-one really knows what a person is capable of when they are really pushed.

I admit, I have a temper. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's being Scottish, maybe because my dad has red hair and I inherited the "fiery temper" gene. I have buttons that, if pushed, will set me off. It's not a healthy thing, I'm not proud of it but it's a fact. The thing is, very few people have ever seen me truly angry.

I rant and rave and swear quite a lot, but that's more of a frustration release than anything. But get me angry, actually angry, and it's a whole other ball game. That is scorching the earth, no-one will find your body fodder. I just work extremely hard not to let that part of me out because I know it will result in consequences that I would be unable to take back.

I can't remember the last time I got in a proper argument with anyone. I can't remember the last time I shouted at someone in anger. I was probably about 21, so a while ago. The last time I was in a physical fight I was a teenager. So it was very long ago. Because I realised that while I want to behave like that, it really doesn't achieve much and should only be as a last resort. It still lies in me though, and could come out if properly provoked.

And that is my point. There are people out there who "come for me" or my loved ones (absolutely one of my buttons) and they don't realise what lies beneath the surface. And admittedly, I don't know about them either. If I were to go back at them, it could ignite their fires and then it could really go left and grow into a Death Star of anger.

And to those who want to come at me, yes, maybe this is a warning.

But in the words of a Real Housewife (the source of a lot of my wisdom):


via GIPHY

Turning over a new leaf (lots of them)

Vegetarianism is going well so far. I'm discovering the delights of Quorn, Linda McCartney and other meat-free products. It also turns out that Asda does some tasty veggie frozen roasts and cutlets.

Am I missing meat? Not so much, although sometimes the thought of a juicy burger is enticing. My skin is a bit crappy and my tummy has been a little bit out of whack but I'm hoping that's the remains of animals working their way out of my system and my body adjusting.

As well as going vegetarian, I am doing a lot of financial belt-tightening. This means I'm cutting down on non-essential groceries like booze, fizzy juice and takeaways. Hopefully this makes me overall healthier.

I even went on a two mile walk this morning!! What the hell is going on?

Part of the reason for the walk was to try and work through an idea I have for a potential TV show. I have a very basic kernel but I need to get the premises and the characters fleshed out. First new idea I've had for a while, let's see how it goes.

In which I make a change

I posted before about my guilt over eating meat. So I've made the decision to be vegetarian.

I'm doing all my research and pinning a lot of recipes on Pinterest. Pay day is Friday so I will stock up then and in the meantime use up the last of the meat in the house and lower my use of it.

Habits easily made are just as easily broken if you put your mind to it.

The cats, however, will remain carnivorous. I once knew a woman who refused to feed her cats meat. She was a fucking weirdo.

We are on a break

And by "we", I mean me and roller derby. I still love the sport it I needed to take some time off. I'm no longer a member of a league, I stopped my UKRDA role at the end of January. I'm still podcasting and doing the odd bit of announcing but other than that, nothing.

And so far....its been amazing.

My time is my own (outside of work), my phone is very quiet and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Not because of other people, but because of me. I want to help out so I load myself with jobs and responsibilities then I am snowed under. I need to not have that for a while.

This isn't me done with derby, but for now we are on a break.

So now I can fully devote my time to crazy cat lady-dom!!

Snow day and quiet living

As you can see, it's a snowy Saturday at the cottage. Boo and Dill went out to play in it, but Dill was quick to come back inside. On vet's orders, Atticus is not allowed out until the beginning of the week after an injury and wound on his paw and hip. Needless to say, he's not a happy camper.

I am no longer a UKRDA director. As much I am glad and relieved to no longer have the responsibility or workload, it is weird how quiet my life is. Although hopefully it won't stay that way long.

But for now, I'm staying in bed and out of this snow!!

The light at the end of the tunnel...

In 2015 I changed my job. I was unhappy for a while and I needed a change. The demands of an online editor are immense. There is no such thing as not on deadline. You have work social media accounts linked to your personal accounts.

On top of that, since the beginning of 2014, I have been the head of PR and a director for the UK Roller Derby Association, the national governing body for roller derby in Britain. So I've had those social accounts and websites to maintain.

However, I have chosen to not restand for those positions. So come the UKRDA AGM on February 7, I will be done. Aside from doing some handovers, my time as a director will be over. I won't have monthly board meetings, I won't be getting emails from the organisation, I won't be "on" all the time.

Am I sad? No, I'm really not. I have an element of guilt at how relieved and happy I am about it. But it's been a hard slog. The problem with a volunteer organisation is that you can't make anyone do anything. So people flake out or life takes over and the "optional" stuff falls by the wayside. And the ones left have to bear the load. It becomes too much, and I burned out.

I want 2016 to be a year that I work on myself, not on others. The change in job has already helped with this - I have time to knit and chill with the cats and read. My head isn't mince when I get home from the office. But, quite often I'm coming home and doing hours of roller derby work. It will be nice when that's over.

Some of my plans for the year include starting my own podcast, doing some more freelance writing and FINALLY dusting off the partially written novel and reviving it. I will get a book published at some point, dammit!!

In roller derby, I'm also going to try and become a referee, so I will have that to work on. That means going back to the gym regularly and working on my skills.

A quiet life? Probably not. But certainly a much quieter one.

In which I think about feminism

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who teach me things about life and myself every day. They also force me to really think about the answers to questions I am posed. I am blessed for this, as it encourages me to grow, learn and develop as a human being.

One topic which has become much bigger in my life is feminism. I am a feminist-newbie in the sense that I am still learning about the different waves of feminism and what they mean, and how feminism is growing and changing with society. I have also become more aware of, and uncomfortable with, the sexism in my life and am acting to change it.

Since I was tiny, I have held the belief that everyone should be equal. That regardless of gender, age, colour, sexual orientation or any other label, the human race should be given all the same rights and opportunities. To say otherwise, in my mind, was just ridiculous.

And it sounds so simple, doesn't it? If only it were. But when people can't decide on the "right" type of feminism, or when the definition of the word is so contorted by some that it resembles something bad and wrong, the focus is taken away from the intent and onto the person advocating it.

I see women talking about how they aren't feminists and it makes my heart hurt, because it shows that this attempt to derail feminism and the feminist fight is working. Words like feminazi were coined as hate speech - to make the attempts to achieve equality look like persecution. That could not be more wrong. The people of privilege - who are the ones who fight to make feminism look like a bad thing - are scared. They are scared that they will have to give up some of that privilege to make things equal. And they have gotten fat and lazy and used to a certain way of life, and you can be damned sure that they won't give it up without a fight.

Which means we need to fight back. And that's when the fingers are pointed at the serious activists, because in that snapshot they look angry and on the attack. Because they are. But very rarely is it asked why they are so angry and rebellious. It's because they have to be.

For feminism to succeed, we need to combat this image of a feminist as a man-hating bitch who wants to cut the balls off men and hang them from the rafters. We need to show all sides of feminism, from the quiet people leading by example and changing the lives of people immediately surrounding them, to the marching, campaigning women who are front and centre trying to get their message to as many people as possible. And on top of that, we need to understand that there is no "right" form of feminism, as long as everyone is working towards the same goal, then the means of getting there are irrelevant.

In every movement - every single movement - there is a group that can be tagged "extremist" or "fundamentalist". Feminism no doubt has those. But, like other groups, they are a small minority. We shout down anyone who tars all Muslims with the terrorist brush, so why would it be any different for feminists?

But I understand that feminism isn't just about equality for women, it is the fight for equality for all. And even if white women get their equality, then those white women should still fight for trans rights, for minority rights, for gay rights. Because we don't live in a vacuum, and our rights overlap.

I may not be a scholar in feminist studies, but I am beginning to understand the facets and nuances of the fight for equal rights for all. And that is what feminism is all about.

Technology guilt

I work in technology, well in a job that is predicated on technology. Without technology, the role of online editor wouldn't exist.

I'm sitting in my living room and in the room with me is a PS3, a blu ray player, an iPad, my laptop, my iPhone and a Petcube. In my handbag through the house is a Kindle and my work mobile. 

So, as the above illustrates, I am a fan of gadgets and tech. However, I regularly wrestle with some guilt about the use of technology.

The way I see it is that the more technology we use, the less people are needed. Think about it. We have self serve checkouts in supermarkets, pay in and withdrawal machines at banks, even some GPs' surgeries you sign in for your appointment not by speaking to a receptionist, but via a touch screen. And for every machine used to carry out a transaction in our lives, we need one less person.

I understand, and take advantage of, the benefits the tech brings. Efficiency, the lack of human error, and the convenience to name but a few. But do those pros really weigh up against the con that we are putting people out of work?

Some would argue that it's not a loss of jobs, just a transference. You need less frontline staff, but you need people to create, maintain and upgrade the machines. However, I disagree. You don't switch one for one in that scenario. If you have 10 self serve tills, you only need one person to keep an eye on them, compared to 10 traditional checkouts. If you work for a chain, one or two people could cover servicing the machines of a few stores in their area. There is no like for like.

Cost-cutting is a big deal for businesses but is replacing the workforce with a computer really the answer? 

I never see people having issues with the fact they can go shopping and never speak to an actual person. They walk in, get what they need, self scan and leave. You could do it in headphones without ever taking them off.

And if it is truly about reducing the operating costs for a company, why are those costs not reflected in the price to the consumer?

Whether it's about reducing your bills or about the fact that the number of jobs overall is decreasing, why is more noise not being made about this technological dominance? If it doesn't stop, do we risk making ourselves obsolete?

The difference between like and respect

I have issues with a lot of people. Fuck it, at times I'm downright antisocial. I prefer my own company, or the company of a few choice friends and family members, as opposed to a massive crowd of people. And as much as I like spending time with loved ones, I like withdrawing just as much.

I used to think that it was a by product of my job. As a journalist, I would speak to dozens of people a week, on a whole range of topics. And when I moved up and was put in charge of two papers, I then had to attend events as a representative of the company and the brand.

However, I think it is more than that. As much as "bullshit fatigue" is probably part of my need to drop out of the human race for a bit, the fact is that a lot of people annoy me. They always have.

I was an advanced child, reading and writing before I started school. In primary, teachers would frequently have to give me work of older children because I would blast through the class work in a fraction of the time the rest of the class needed. I was also conversing regularly with adults - the benefit of having parents who wouldn't dismiss me up to my room at all times - so I was always mature for my age.

As a result, I would see the stuff my peers were doing as silly or childish. It never occurred to me that they were doing the normal things of children their age. Sometimes I did play, but in a "proper" way. I am more prone to whimsy and flights of fancy now than I ever was back then.

Anyway, the reason I explain that is to show that my dislike of people has been ingrained in me from a young age. But, what I have learned over the years, and it's something I'm proud to say I have learned, is that you don't need to like people to respect them.

Doesn't sound too revelatory, does it? Well, it's amazing how many people can't respect people they don't like. 

There are people I downright hate, but I can still respect them for who they are. I might think they are total bastards, but they might be good at their jobs, a good parent or have a great talent. The fact that they are a horrible human being to or in front of me doesn't negate all that other good stuff.

What gets me through many a day is the  understanding that I may not like a person, but I respect them. I don't want to ever go for a pint with them, but I can respect their achievements and who they are. Hell, I can even respect someone who can maintain a complete and utter veneer of bullshit in the face of reality. That takes a lot of work!!

Now, don't get me wrong, respect isn't automatic. I hate people who demand respect before they have shown they deserve it. "Respect your elders" - why, because they have managed to live a long time? Some old people are shitbags, so no. But tell me why I should respect them and at least I can base the decision on merit. I have respect for people who show that they should have it. 

And there's some people I neither like nor respect. But they are the ones I spend zero time and energy on, so I won't waste another word on them.

Roller derby isn't a business, but it should be run like one...

I have been involved with roller derby in Scotland for four years now. Although I am not a skater (I'm a repeat failure of fresh meat programmes with two different leagues) my experience doing line-up and bench managing, as well as being involved in the running of leagues and the UKRDA, the governing body of the sport in the UK, has given me vast experience and insight. And what it boils down to is this...

People need to start treating roller derby like a business.

Unfortunately, for now, very few people can actually be paid to be a part of roller derby. It is a sport that has grown to the place it is now thanks to the hard work, dedication and sacrifices of numerous people up and down the country. This does not mean that we can't treat the sport in a business-like fashion. In fact, it is my belief that it would benefit massively if we did.

Here are a few things that can be done to shift the focus towards a more business-like structure, and away from shaky volunteer-run structures:

1. Hire the right people, not the most enthusiastic
It's great that someone wants to get involved in running a roller derby league or event. However, should they? If this was a company (Derby Co.), that person would more than likely be passed on if they did not have some relevant experience or qualifications for the position. With the growth of the sport, and the diverse range of participants, its likely you can get the right person for the job. And it should be sold as a job, with a full description of duties and essential and desirable skills. Enthusiastic people are great, and absolutely they should be nurtured and encouraged, but put them into roles they can learn from, or roles they are already suited to.

2. Make people accountable
You wouldn't let people away with not doing their duties in a job - you would sack them and find someone who will. Admittedly, this can be hard when you are working with volunteers, you don't want them to just up and quit. However, they need to do what you need them to do. If they aren't, why aren't they? If you follow the ideas in point one about giving them detailed descriptions of their job, then it's easy to show them where they are falling down.

3. Keep track of people's performance
This can be speaking to their superiors (committee heads, directors), or outside "customers" to see show their performance has been. And speak to the person themselves, to see how they are feeling about the role. Do this regularly, particularly in the first six months following their appointment. This period is vital for ensuring that they know what they are doing and have the tools to do it.

4. Be prepared to invest in your "staff"
Whether this is paying for them to do training (roles like grievance would especially benefit for this), covering some of the costs associated with the role (software etc), or starting a wee scheme to give well-performing staff a wee treat every so often, be prepared to spend money making your staff happy and able to do their job. Also, invest time in them, by tracking performance and checking in with them, by training them yourself if needed, by providing proper handovers. What you put in, you will get out.

5. Acknowledge hard work
Remember these people are volunteers - they should be praised for the work they do because they are doing it for free. The one thing that doesn't cost any money is a bit of praise. A lot of the plaudits go to the hard work on the track (and it should, the team are athletics giving blood, sweat and tears to win), but that doesn't mean you can't give props to the work that happens behind the scenes. These are the people who ensure the league's present and future. Why not take your committee heads and directors out for a celebratory/thank you meal once a year?

6. Let people move on
This can be one of the hardest things to do, in business or in roller derby. However, sometimes things need to end for new things to begin. Don't begrudge someone for not wanting to do the same job forever, their situation may have changed, they may be tired, they may be fed up. All of that is allowed. As long as you make sure they leave their role in a neat and tidy place, with an appropriate handover, then let them go. Better than then have them disappear forever.

In which I contemplate the future....

I honestly can't say I have a vision of what my life will be like in 10 years. Hell, I don't even know what it will be like a year from now. I know I will still have cats (and probably still the Mockingcats, unless some tragic accident befalls any of them). Other than that, not a clue.

But here's the thing: That doesn't worry me. I know that I should be thinking about buying a house, but there is no way I can save the near £20k needed for a deposit. So it's not a viable option, therefore I put it aside. I can afford to rent a fairly decent home, that's all I need.

I might be in a relationship, but I doubt it. I don't leave the house, other than to go to work, to go to roller derby and to go to the gym. Not a lot of options for meeting guys in any of that. Especially where I currently work. No offence to the guys there, but really not my type.

I will hopefully probably be in another job. It's not in my nature to stay in the one position too long, I need to move and grow and challenge myself. I've already been in my current job longer than I would care - usually the 2 year mark is my limit (the shortest period in one journalism job being six months, the shortest ever in my working life being one day). After that I get itchy feet and want to move on.

If I were to have my dream life I would be a published author who doesn't need a day job, living in a home I own, with my cats. I would have a cleaner to keep the house tidy and I could afford to indulge myself more than I currently can. I would have a nice car, which I would own outright, and wouldn't have to worry about an overdraft, the bills or any of the money worries I currently have.

I don't want to be JK Rowling (although it would be nice), but making £40k a year writing would mean I could give up the day job, and focus on what I really love.

Probably should restart that partially-written novel!!

I wish I could be more ethical about animals

Not that I abuse animals or anything (are you kidding me??) but I have meat lover's guilt. I also have leather and fur wearer's guilt.

I could possibly become a vegetarian. I am aware enough of how to get the nutrition you need while removing bad things from your diet (see my adherence to the Paleo diet as proof). I do love bacon and lamb, but I think like most things it has become a habit. There are so many tasty meat substitutes and vegetarian recipes now - I think I could enjoy being a veggie.

The sole reason I would do this is because of the animals. Most of the time I try and ignore the fact that the bit of meat on my plate was once a living, breathing (possibly cute) animal who had no choice about whether or not it ended up on my plate. But as I get older and become more aware of the rights and wrongs of the world, this is a guilt that increases.

But then I think, "is that enough?" Am I really helping the animals unless I also give up wearing leather, suede and fur too? And then do I need to give up any and all products that have been animal tested? In the UK there is a ban on testing cosmetics on animals, but some products are shipped over from other countries and there aren't the same restrictions.

And do I need to go full vegan in order to stop contributing to the horrible mass production of dairy products etc?

If I am going to be ethical do I need to go the whole hog, or can I comfortably play a small part by reducing, but not entirely cutting out, the killing of animals to live my life?

Can I ever live with another person?

This isn't me begging, more something I have been thinking about. I have lived on my own for nearly 6 years now, since permanently leaving my mum's house. And in that time I have become very used to doing things my way.

So if I were to get some kind of housemate (platonic or otherwise) I'm not sure I could cope. Having to consider someone else, not being able to do the things I want (or having to do the things I don't want), compromise.

I like leaving my house a tip if I can't be arsed cleaning or tidying up. I like not showering if all I'm doing is slobbing about the house (and I like being able to laze around with no-one seeing or being encroached on by me). And most of all, I like not having to talk to people if I don't want to.

Besides, I have three cats as housemates and they dictate everything - when I eat (always after when they eat), when I sleep, who comes to visit. And I know that I don't need to live that way, I choose to because I want to give my kitties the best home possible. Perhaps I will feel like that if it was a person I cared about? But when I think about it, my instinct says "love me, love my ways". I am not going to become a house proud, neat freak who sits primly on her perfectly maintained couch in her spotless livingroom. Who has the time?

That makes me sound horrible, doesn't it? But the thought of living with another person makes me feel uneasy. If I ever have a relationship, we will need to do the HR Giger thing and just live next door to each other. That always sounded like a good idea to me - I think some of the biggest problems in being in a relationship is proximity. We move in together and all of a sudden all the quirks and foibles become apparent, and it's that stuff rather than the big stuff that puts us off.

Full disclosure: This is coming from someone who has never lived with a man, btw, just someone who has had to listen to LOTS of friends bitching about their other halves and the little things that drive them mad.

When did being a mum make women untouchable?

I understand that being a mum must be a hardcore experience. Although I'm not one myself, I am a daughter of a woman who was a single mum. And I wasn't exactly an angel growing up, I gave her a ton of grief and worry over the years.

I state the above to clarify that I am not one of those people who think that mums "have it easy" or aren't as stressed or busy as working women. However....

What I have noticed is that you cannot question a woman once she becomes a mum. If she needs time off work then you can't argue because her children are more important than any reason a childless person may have to get time off. You can't question their dedication to their work, that their priorities may have shifted (which is natural, saying that isn't a criticism) or that they get special treatment.

The fact is that more allowances are made for parents than for any other part of the workforce. The same provisions aren't put in place for religious people, carers or just the ordinary worker. Not being a parent doesn't mean you don't have dependents. 

Last year I was in a situation where a colleague went on maternity leave. The manager advertised for maternity cover for a week before she left, and made no secret of how half-arsed he was doing it. So the rest of us had to take on parts of her role for the year she was off. We didn't get a choice, it was just the way it was.

It was during that year that I was signed off with depression. I now know that a wee bit of that was grief after losing Molee but the fact is I was overworked, not doing my job well (and that was really disheartening for a perfectionist like me) always tired, drinking a lot to try and not feel like shit and being a really crappy person. It was too much.

The fact is, I don't blame the woman for getting pregnant and taking the maternity leave she is perfectly entitled to take. I blame the management who let her go without a replacement and piling work on a management team already handling a hell of a lot. I raised my concerns about the work at the time, and had them brushed aside.

Where I work, there is no choice and when you inevitably hit breaking point, you are seen as the weak one, it's never the boss's fault.

I'm not short on opinions, I just know when to keep them to myself

On a personal Facebook page, on my locked personal Twitter account, and in the company of trusted friends and family, I let rip on issues I feel like letting rip on. I'm not very politically correct, I'm not very polite and I hold views on family and relationships and other subjects that many wouldn't appreciate hearing.

But here's the thing...Outside of the above situations, I keep my mouth shut. I tailor how much I say to my audience. I'm not saying I lie about things, or keep quiet about things that I fundamentally believe to be wrong, but I do understand that some things are better left unsaid.

I don't feel the need to tell a group of mums about how I definitely do not want children, and how little I enjoy their photos/stories/anecdotes about their offspring. Because they love them, and that's what's important. Also, they may hate my incessant cat talk!!

But I will set straight anyone making assumptions and judgements about women who don't have children.

I won't tell someone I think their outfit looks shit, but I also won't say they look great. I will either keep silent, or focus on their haircut or something that isn't hideous and unflattering.

And if I feel that I cannot support a person's choices or beliefs then I will quietly step away. I don't feel the need to kick and scream and shout about it. If they get dramatic it will be dealt with.

I will always be respectful of another person's opinions, and if I disagree and feel the need to address their opinion, I will try and do so in a constructive way. But if we still are at odds then I respect that as long as it doesn't descend into an argument.

Knowing when to shut up can be just as important as knowing when to speak.